People don’t like you: How to hack judgement
In a non-escapable opinion-filled world, both online and in person, it’s a guarantee that people will not like you. It can be hard to accept if you don’t know how to filter through the bullshit to ultimately get to where you need to be. People will have talked behind your back before and they will again. No matter how much you try and conform to their liking, they will still find something to talk about. We all feel this insecurity individually and yet we all participate in the idea of gossip and hearsay. If you’re going to have people judge your presence, it’s now your responsibility to make your presence an authentic one. Here’s how:
IN THIS ARTICLE:
Episodes
Self awareness
Authenticity
Obsession
Victim mentality
Chain reaction
Let them
Episodes
Like in a TV show going through the seasons, people only have access to you and can view you for a limited time. With social media, people think they know more than they actually do due to the ability to look at someone’s page for however long they desire. However, back in reality people only get you for an incredibly small fragment of time. So when you embarrassingly high-five a stranger or forget to smile at someone you’ve seen around a couple of times, it’s comforting to know that that singular moment makes up such a minuscule part of your life and for the tiny part it takes up in yours, more likely than not, they do not give a shit because their worlds don’t revolve around you.
What’s so great about this is that when someone you know for a couple of months or even someone who you’ve had a few conversations with then decides they don’t like you, you can relish in the comfort that they don’t know you in the slightest. Perception is subjective and perfection isn’t possible so if someone catches you in the wrong light, it’s not due to you being an awful person, it’s due to misalignment. We as humans are not meant to align with every single person we meet. It’s okay for someone to view you through tiny episodes of moments to then decide they don’t like you because that’s not even a summary of who you are.
Self awareness
When you're feeling intense judgement, it’s always a good idea to unpack your emotions. Whether that is: Is anyone hating on you at all or is it just anticipatory? Have you made it proportionally larger in your head than it actually is? Being self-aware isn’t about blaming yourself. People judge and hate for all sorts of reasons, many of which are personal problems; so being aware that everyone else too has grown up in different ways and acknowledging that they have different mentalities can help unpack judgement.
It’s also okay to admit that you are not perfect, did you make a comment that pissed someone off? Have you been more negative than positive? No matter how hard you try to deny it, people will pick up on bad energy and sometimes resent you for it. It’s hard to be around a more negative person as it has a knock-on effect. I will talk more about this later but just checking gently on how have you been treating people is always beneficial in upgrading your life. Not only this but more importantly, how have you been treating yourself recently? If you’re not happy and secure in yourself, you’re always going to care what people think as reassurance isn’t something you give yourself. Make it your first priority to receive validation from yourself rather than from outside forces. Happiness is the hardest thing to obtain and then continuously maintain as negativity will always be easier to tap into than positive however some ways to find personal validation are:
self-care. Hygiene. Look after yourself physically. there are so many YouTube videos giving wellness advice. It’s free. Take it. Have a bath and apply a hair mask. Have one day a week where it’s non-negotiable to be selfish in your self-care.
Alone time. It’s so hard to be alone because your phone connects you to the world and it’s easy to surround yourself with various types of people. Cherish your time alone, doing absolutely fuck all if you need to. Find a hobby, sports, football, sewing, painting etc and do it with and for yourself. When you do anything in life you should be asking yourself: is this for me or is it for appreciation and/or validation? If the answer is validation, it’s time to reassess how well you know yourself.
Positive reinforcement ties into a victim mentality. Positive thoughts create positive outcomes and if you’re surrounding yourself with negative situations or negative people it can slowly become you. If you’re naturally a negative person it’s just not an attractive trait to have. Sometimes we are shoved into horrible situations and you can’t get out, it’s then about finding the smallest types of outlets to obtain as much positivity as you can.
Authenticity
We all have a set of beliefs. Some are stronger than others. Non-negotiables. It may be that you brush your teeth after breakfast rather than before or that you refuse to vape or drink. There are many more examples however you will always be able to find someone who can contradict your morals because morals are born from three things mainly:
upbringing. your parents have a strong influence on what you believe in as well as where you grow up, not everyone will understand you because it is an individual influence that can either sway you to follow that mentality or you may feel adamant about doing the complete opposite of what your parents or lifestyle brought from your childhood as it isn’t always something you align with. Either way, it has a massive impact on the person you are.
Society. The media and people you surround yourself with tell you (without telling you) how to behave. There are unspoken rules that you may believe in and ones you may not but just because they’re not written down doesn’t mean they’re not there.
Personal experience, everything we live through shapes who we are. No one goes through the same thing so empathy is important.
One major thing that can affect authenticity is emotion. Intense emotions tend to make people go against their moral compass. You need to be able to step out of yourself and structure your life around your personal morals. Yours and yours alone. Not societal standards, Not what’s been passed down, but what you personally believe in.
The best way to do this is to physically write your morals down. What is an absolute no to you, what would cause you to feel immoral or fill you with guilt, what brings you joy and what makes you happy to do for others and yourself?
Whenever something happens where someone maybe doesn’t like you as a person or there’s an argument, look at your moral list and ask yourself: am I fulfilling each standard I’m setting for myself? If the answer is yes, you have absolutely nothing to worry about because you are sticking to the foundation you have built for yourself. You’ve achieved stability and self-assurance.
If you happen to do something that’s compromised your morals it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. No one is perfect and nor should you strive to be. It’s a learning curve that you’re actively learning by checking your authenticity in the first place, you’re on your way to winning.
You’re not going to be kind all the time or perfect, it’s about calling yourself out and rather than expecting perfection; treating yourself with realism and maturity.
This will separate you into being a more high-value human being as you have a standard you hold yourself and others by. A healthy standard creates happiness and, when on that path, having the mindset of authenticity and self-awareness is truly unbreakable. Who gives a shit if you're hated on if your check-listing most if not all of the things you’re setting for yourself?
Obsession
When you find out someone’s been spreading negativity or openly sharing dislike towards you, it’s easy to become obsessed with what they're saying, giving it value and power. This can cause you to want to change yourself but again, you're doing it for their and others validation rather than yourself. So when you think you’re improving yourself you’re actually conforming to a negative cycle of other people’s opinions which you will never be fulfilled from. The key to breaking this spell of obsession is to become obsessed with yourself, if that doesn’t come easy, by all means, you can fake it till you make it. Be better for yourself not for gain because self-love is the only thing you should be attempting to gain.
Victim mentality
You are not hard done by. I promise you. Letting your misfortune swallow you and therefore making you a victim of circumstance will always make you a product of the worst thing that happens to you.
You will forever be stuck in a loop of the past and you will never reach the potential you could’ve had if you cut the shit and let it go. Let life be awful and have the confidence in yourself to know that you will rise to the top. Be grateful that you’ve undergone hardship. It makes you better and your lessons are given to you for a reason so just get on with it. Cry it out and get back on the horse. Use it as the fuel to light your fire rather than the water to distinguish it.
This does not mean you don’t give yourself the time to heal. It simply means that no one is going to pick up the pieces for you. Get back up and keep moving for the simple fear of being stagnant forever. There will be someone who’s been through worse and someone who’s been through worse than them and so on. Be the shoulder you need to cry on, heal yourself and get going.
Chain reaction
Life is a constant change. A chain reaction is based on the thing before. Set your life up so that the only chain reactions you allow to play are positive ones. If you are shit-talking people or complaining about your life, it’s going to come right back around again and again and again. Similarly, if the people around you are being negative and dismissive, be the light that starts the good rather than be part of the chain of negativity. What I mean by this is when people talk about you or treat you badly, don’t respond. Don’t allow them the pattern of negativity, let it fizzle out with them so that you can ultimately lift for yourself and not for them. This leads me to…
Just let them
If you’re worried about opinion, you have too much time on your hands. Let them sink into their mundane surroundings and live for yourself instead. Just let them be and move on.
